Back to work = One hot mess

That hot mess would be me. Now, I have mentioned before that I love my job and I still do but I didn't think everything would change after having a baby like it did. I knew life would change and everything but I didn't think the way I felt about working would. You see, I go back to work tomorrow which is nice because I don't have to start out working a whole week but the question is, am I ready to go back at all?!? I have had a nice long maternity leave which has been great but it takes about 6 weeks just to get your feet back on the ground after having a baby (that is unless you are my friend Claire who functions 10 minutes after having a baby) and then you have 6 more weeks where you try and establish a routine. By the time you have something down and you are ready for this to be an everyday thing BAM it hits you. It is time to go back to work. Then a million things come to my mind. Will she forget about me? Will she smile bigger for her grandmas than me? Will I no longer be the one that can calm her down? Will I miss out on all of her first time changes? These questions weigh me down and make me really emotional. I have had crying sessions everyday just thinking about going back to work for the past 3 weeks. It is actually pretty pathetic. Now, I know a ton of women go back to work and it is great and everything works out. All I can do is hope that is me but unfortunately time will only tell on this one. I feel like I owe it to myself to go back to work and see how things work out because the fact is that I really did love my job but there is this new love that has come into my life. I always thought I would be one of those people that would work after babies. I don't know why because my mom was a stay at home mom and I loved that she was always there. Maybe I just thought that I would work because that is all I knew. Work was a lot of how I defined myself before Molly. I know that I am also anxious to go back because I made the mistake of checking my email a couple weeks ago just to see how things were going and I had over 600 emails. I looked at a couple then it stressed me out so I shut the computer and told myself I would not do that until I went back to work. So there is that. Then there is getting back into the swing of things which is a little nerve racking. Also, if it becomes a reality that I stay home I have the fears of being passed up and getting behind in my career. Then there are my coworkers - I genuinely like them a lot! I work with great, talented people. A lot of them are not only my coworkers but my friends so I would miss them if I decided to leave. I am sure every mom goes through this little debacle and all you can do is get through it so that is what I plan on doing but here are some of the little things I am going to miss about Molly during the days.

How she holds on to your finger for dear life while she is eating and stares into your eyes like she is looking at your soul and just knows that everything is going to be alright.

How she rubs her feet together when she is eating or just when she is in a comfortable state while playing. She is just like her momma in this way.

How she now wants that fist in her mouth all the time and she is has recently figured out how to get her thumb only in her mouth while taking a nap.


How she furrows that little brow of hers when she is in a serious cogitation state.

Her smile and little squeaks which are soon to be giggles when she figures out how to do that.


Her excitement. This little girl can get so excited over things.

Of course I will miss her cuddles as she is a very cuddly baby.

I will even miss this little face.

I know her grandmas are going to take good care of her and I am fortunate enough that they are willing to watch her. I do know that but at the same time I am a little jealous because they get to watch her grow everyday all day. I know I am being a bit of a drama queen so I will just leave with everything is going to be ok. Molly will be safe, healthy, completely cared for and completely happy with her g-mommas and that is something I can be truly thankful for. I will just have to keep you posted on how everything goes.